I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
