You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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