I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
