Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
