Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
