Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
