I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
