I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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