when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
