piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
