I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
