I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
