the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
