my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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