It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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