i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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