Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
pray to the hookup gods
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Dicks are not precious.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
