So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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