Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
