Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
