GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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