It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
