I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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