Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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