STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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