you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
