I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu