I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
