We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
