You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
