I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
