When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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