I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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