I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
