and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
