you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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