the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
