my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
