ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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