i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
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I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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