i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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