how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Randomize
