I smell stomach acid.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
