She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I stole a fireplace last night.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
