just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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