you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm just crazy horny about you
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
