i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
