don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
