i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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