this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
