Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
