is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
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She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
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Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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