All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
