a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
