Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
