she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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