Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
